Monthly Archives: April 2016

Scandal and crochet …

Ask me how I am, I say I’m fine. Or even good. But more often than not, I say I’m tired.

I’m not tired through lack of sleep, in fact tired isn’t even the right word, I’m exhausted. I don’t get as much sleep as I’d like, who does, but I get enough to function. It’s not restful, quality sleep. But nonetheless, sleep it is. My exhaustion comes from being constantly engaged in some activity or another. Crouching like a wild animal, watching the kid’s every move, interpreting their little ways, pouncing in to prevent meltdowns, to deal with seizures, to prevent accidents. When I say accidents I mean little tumbles which result in big reactions! I whizz around to do school runs, housework, errands, appointments, homework, bath time, mealtime, bedtime, playtime. And I have to add, although for most of you reading I know I don’t need to, it’s not how it is for typical families. Aine needs me for almost everything. Even if she can do something herself, her need to know she’s constantly supervised and safe, means I’m needed close by. If I am out of sight, she shouts me! ‘Where are you mummy’. ‘I’m in the loo Aine’. ‘Can I come mummy’. You get the picture I’m painting!

So how do I relax, *laughs out loud*.

I’ve tried yoga, I hurt my back stretching muscles that have been so tense, for so long, I think they just perished like an aged rubber band. I’ve tried meditation and mindfulness, I’m a bit rubbish because something pings in my head that I need to do and I loose the ‘moment’. I can’t let it ‘ebb in and flow out’ because I might forget it. I can’t concentrate on reading or films anymore. I have two ways to relax and I don’t get enough time or space to do either much. I love my American dramas. The Good Wife, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal. Yes they are ridiculously far fetched and some may say trashy! Yes they are unashamed in their use of cliches. But they don’t take any brain power to follow. I started to watch the Night Manager. I lost it at episode three and abandoned it. I couldn’t work out who was who and what was now and what was past. I just kept focusing on how ridiculously well groomed Tom Hiddleston is. So, I stick to my trashy dramas. Easy peasy! MrM does not share my interest and so I usually watch on catch up after I’ve worked an evening shift and he’s in bed when I get home, or with the ironing pile when he’s at work. But having the kids around these last few weeks, I’m stacking them up!

I’ve recently taught myself to crochet. It’s something I’ve been procrastinating about for a while. One day, sitting in bed with Aine sleeping off her emergency meds, I got my hook, some wool and armed with a book and YouTube I cracked it. This really helps me to switch off. I need to concentrate, but not too much. I need to stop and think, but not for too long, and whilst I’m relaxing, I’m making something pretty. I only really get chance to crochet once the kids are in bed and that’s the hour MrM and I tend to have to ourselves to catch up on the day’s events. So I don’t do that as much as I’d like.

So relaxation is pretty much off the menu! For now I remain in position, crouching, ready to pounce, but with a pretty blanket in the making.image

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The Black Dog …

Warning – this post may make you feel uncomfortable, for some mental health is an icky subject. No judgement from me.

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He’s been hovering around a lot since Christmas. Sometimes he comes and stays for a few days, but mostly he appears, looks through the window then wanders off again. Or he walks into the room, has a look around, gives me a nudge, then goes away again. These last few weeks though, he’s been around a lot more than I’m comfortable with. Badgering me, nudging me for attention, whining when I don’t give it, lying on me when I sleep, weighing me down.

Depression is a personal thing. How it makes me feel will differ greatly to how it makes someone else feel. For me it makes me feel tired, exhausted even. It makes me angry, short tempered. It makes me forgetful. As I spend my time
longing for happiness, contentment, emotional peace, relaxation, day dreaming if you will, I forget appointments, dinner in the oven, to pick up the essentials when I’m out.

I want to be able to eat what I want without thinking about my weight.

I want to be able to lock myself in the bathroom for an hour with a basket full of unused Christmas presents, to treat myself.

I want to go shopping and not think ‘I love that top/skirt/bag, those shoes, that lipstick, but I can’t spend that money. It’s not for treats.

I want to sit and crochet for the whole day with a flask of tea!

I want to have holidays, breaks away, to look forward to.

I want no guilt for having all of the above.

Needs are different than wants. I’m not blogging this for sympathy. My depression doesn’t respond well to sympathy. It feeds it, grows it, keeps it there. Just like when you feed a stray dog. Sympathy is definitely not what I need when I feel like this. Space, laughs, plans, practical help. That’s what I need.

Scrap that, what I actually need, is to shift my ass and get ready for work …. For health and hygiene reasons, there are no dogs allowed where I work, so for now Mr Black Dog, you have to stay at the door!

Mummy-0, Epilepsy-1

 

Today I took a bit of a risk. A measured risk, or so I thought.

After a week of seizure activity, how we describe brain disturbance but not actual seizures, she hadn’t succumbed to a seizure. So today, as planned, we embarked on a journey to Grandad’s house. We don’t go often as it’s a bit of a drive so the kids were mega excited.

After an early 5am wake up call Aine, (another side effect of unsettled brain pattern) I knew that there would be more seizure activity but figured that as it had been going on for over a week, with no actual seizures, it would be fine. So off we shot.

We got half way there when a full seizure took hold. Quick dash off the nearest junction, which luckily was less than a mile away and onto the nearest car park. I had the biggest one with me and thank goodness I did, because she was awesome. She did a brilliant job, stayed calm, took charge of the littlest one and let me see to Aine. Thankfully, and unusually, the seizure concluded without the need for emergency meds. Bonus! We got back into the car and headed back for home, much to the disappointment of everyone. They were all looking forward to being spoilt for the day.

Today, epilepsy won. I have to say, in a most defeatest manner, it generally does. It doesn’t play fair. It’s dirty and sneaky and downright evil!

In order to retain an element of positivity, I put on my Pollyanna hat and try to find things to be glad about….

1. I wasn’t alone. I had backup!
2. The motorway was quiet.
3. The seizure stopped without meds!
4. Aine didn’t puke in the car.
5. My bestie took the biggest and littlest in so that I could focus on Aine.
6. We had a nice run out 😳

So you won this time but you didn’t dampen our spirits. Epilepsy, we give you the finger!