Ask me how I am, I say I’m fine. Or even good. But more often than not, I say I’m tired.
I’m not tired through lack of sleep, in fact tired isn’t even the right word, I’m exhausted. I don’t get as much sleep as I’d like, who does, but I get enough to function. It’s not restful, quality sleep. But nonetheless, sleep it is. My exhaustion comes from being constantly engaged in some activity or another. Crouching like a wild animal, watching the kid’s every move, interpreting their little ways, pouncing in to prevent meltdowns, to deal with seizures, to prevent accidents. When I say accidents I mean little tumbles which result in big reactions! I whizz around to do school runs, housework, errands, appointments, homework, bath time, mealtime, bedtime, playtime. And I have to add, although for most of you reading I know I don’t need to, it’s not how it is for typical families. Aine needs me for almost everything. Even if she can do something herself, her need to know she’s constantly supervised and safe, means I’m needed close by. If I am out of sight, she shouts me! ‘Where are you mummy’. ‘I’m in the loo Aine’. ‘Can I come mummy’. You get the picture I’m painting!
So how do I relax, *laughs out loud*.
I’ve tried yoga, I hurt my back stretching muscles that have been so tense, for so long, I think they just perished like an aged rubber band. I’ve tried meditation and mindfulness, I’m a bit rubbish because something pings in my head that I need to do and I loose the ‘moment’. I can’t let it ‘ebb in and flow out’ because I might forget it. I can’t concentrate on reading or films anymore. I have two ways to relax and I don’t get enough time or space to do either much. I love my American dramas. The Good Wife, Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal. Yes they are ridiculously far fetched and some may say trashy! Yes they are unashamed in their use of cliches. But they don’t take any brain power to follow. I started to watch the Night Manager. I lost it at episode three and abandoned it. I couldn’t work out who was who and what was now and what was past. I just kept focusing on how ridiculously well groomed Tom Hiddleston is. So, I stick to my trashy dramas. Easy peasy! MrM does not share my interest and so I usually watch on catch up after I’ve worked an evening shift and he’s in bed when I get home, or with the ironing pile when he’s at work. But having the kids around these last few weeks, I’m stacking them up!
I’ve recently taught myself to crochet. It’s something I’ve been procrastinating about for a while. One day, sitting in bed with Aine sleeping off her emergency meds, I got my hook, some wool and armed with a book and YouTube I cracked it. This really helps me to switch off. I need to concentrate, but not too much. I need to stop and think, but not for too long, and whilst I’m relaxing, I’m making something pretty. I only really get chance to crochet once the kids are in bed and that’s the hour MrM and I tend to have to ourselves to catch up on the day’s events. So I don’t do that as much as I’d like.
So relaxation is pretty much off the menu! For now I remain in position, crouching, ready to pounce, but with a pretty blanket in the making.